Hash Trash - Run #290

Friday May 3rd to Sunday May 5th, 2002
 

B.I.T.C.H. Tour 2002- (aka: "The Failed Rescue Mission")
-or-
Boston Hashers Take Back the North
-or-
"Get your filthy hands off my floppy 3-foot black dildo, sil vous plait!"

Date: Friday May 3rd to Sunday May 5th, 2002

Starts: Total F*ck Ups, Montreal (Sat. AM), The Corral,
Ottawa, (Sat. and Sun. afternoons)

Saturday AM

Beer Checks: Blackjack (Sat. AM), NO BCs Sat. or Sun.. ( that I saw. However, rumor has it that there was a beer check Down by the River! On Saturday morning)

On-In: TFUs (Sat. AM), The Corral (Sat. + Sun.)

Hares: Hash#1= An@l Avenger!, Wintoes and Mrs. Robinson (live)
Hash#2= Plastic Jesus and One Drunk Walking (pickup)
Hash#3= Abbot, Witchy, and Dead Animal

Time: to hash!

Total Distance: Lets see. 5hrs. to Montreal, + 2hrs. to Ottawa, convert to metric, carry the 7. pretty freakin
long!

Scribe: One Drunk Walking (assisted by AA!)

Weather: Beauty, eh?

Present From Boston: Anal Avenger!,Cream Whora, Cock Climber, Just Nancy, One Drunk Walking, Wintoes 69, Just John (virgin), Piss Stop, Friar Fuck, Just Brenden, Mrs Robinson

Visiting from Newport: Seamen Mixer

Visiting From Canada: Total Fuck Up, Double Fisted, Plastic Jesus, Flipper, Peniscillin, Witchy, Foxy Lady, Juilas Seizure, Fat Ass, Dead Animal, Cystal Tits, Turkish Delight, Pop A Weenie, Doctor Bob, Abbot, Farmer Riding
Tractor, Captain Hook, Speed Hump, Eat me, Stinky Puss, Pubic Zirconia, Son of Sh!t, Finger Licking Good, Mustapha Cunt, Just Yves, Delhi Belly, Oaf

Visiting from Waukesha: Flounder ( or PAT )

Visiting Sheep: Mini-Drapes (virgin)

Latecomer: F*cking Annoying

We were slowed down considerably by a loose widget in Wintoes car, but  The Dadmobile made it to the NH liquor barn before conking out. This was a blessing in disguise since the rental car we got from Comfort Inn had a CD
player- 

Musical selections, NH to Montreal:
King Crimson "Discipline"
MassDist Comp II, disc 1
Stevie Wonder "Songs in the Key of Life"
Deerhoof "Halfbird"
Of Montreal "Coquelicot Asleep in the Poppies"

There was a beef jerky check and short false trail in Burlington, VT. TFU was contacted and agreed to put us up for the evening. We arrived at his apartment just before the local dive bar shut down at 3am.

Breakfast Hash, 5/4:

Checks were very close together once again. We were supposed to see a "YBF" somewhere but I couldn't find it anywhere. Trail became quite messy and haphazard after going underneath a small bridge, as in a true trail arrow crossed out w/ an "F" right after it. Huh?? Also, two arrows were placed almost invisibly on a narrow log. After 10-15min. confusion it struck me to try going up a tiny hill, and yes this was where the next check was. Then an ATM check directly across the street, and a couple blocks to the on-in where Im about to order a Bloody Mary after drink #1 (I wrote
this part in the restaurant that was originally the on-in). Nothing better than buying a mug of beer w/ a 20-dollar bill and getting $27.25 back in change!

Then as my Bloody Mary was half empty or full and my food arrived Wintoes and his son Mrs. Robinson showed up. They told me that TFU had totally fucked up and sent everyone to a different restaurant down the street instead, and thats
why no one else was eating w/ me. I am still not sure how the whole pack passed me after I appointed myself Front Walking Bastard, but it must have had something to do w/ the ATM check? Perhaps there was a trap door in there I would have seen had I entered it?? Anyway I ate quickly and got a 5min. suntan on TFUs deck. AA! brought a bag containing the remnants of the beer check up there, and we drank that plus some port wine (19% abv) while he explained the trail dis- crepancy. Oh, and CW had purchased new stuffed animal friends (Mini-Drapes and a rabbit) at a yard sale.
We said "Merci beaucoup!" to TFU and were off to Penis-Cillins new strip club!

One of my favorite parts of the next car ride was

Musical selections, Montreal to Ottawa:


and The Corral was just down the street from two places w/ interesting names - Bourgeois Collision and Spooky Wagon Ride.

Pickup hash, 5/4:

Plastic Jesus took off down the street and into an un-planted field. After this he went behind a house and back
onto the same street after it rounded a bend, and I caught him. All he had w/ him was a small bag of rice and a couple pieces of chalk. I did my best impression of a jogging Quasimodo (my hip hasn't been the same since that last m@r@th*n) through a backyard and across a small stream into a soybean field. I trampled a path across these veggies out onto a road, all the while noticing that the pack did not seem to be very enthusiastic about following me. They made the right choice because I limped past Angry Farmer #1 just quickly enough to keep him drawing a bead on me w/ his shotgun. PJ joined me at the next intersection to help me finish this trail. We took a left turn and made it to the next path
as two hounds were approaching in the distance. We went behind a row of large sand piles, in front of a giant
gravel pit filled w/ H2O, and back to The Corral. AA! was the RA for this circle. unfortunately I was not taking notes at this point, let alone paying much attention, since I was feeling like a jerk for not bringing enough money
w/me which I thought had made Double Fisted (hash cash) furious. I guess its true what they say about poverty causing
depression. hence the ODWhining bit. 

I did manage to remember  two highlights: Wintoes, Just Brendan, and Plastic Jesus came back about 9:45 saying that they had gone to town (the Oasis club) in search of available pro stripper(s), and that at least one of said strippers would show up later that night after being promised $100 for her trouble (she never did. Wintoes told me in the car the next day that she "snatched a $5 bill right off my face!" Excellent choice of words, WT!!). 

Right after all 3 did a down-down while seated on a toilet it was time for Just Brendan to get named. Since he found a bull-fighting painting on trail one suggestion was "Bull Boy Toy", but everyone agreed that "Velvet Pelvis" was much better, so thats what hes called now! So instead of naked girls the entertainment that night consisted of sexy Wintoes pole-dancing, a very vigourous bonfire including Flounder fanning the flames by jumping on sheets of plywood placed over top and a mushroom cloud made of diesel fuel, and trying to drag CWs drunken carcass into bed (it was tough fitting him through the doorway, and Im told Just Nancy drew on his face w/ magic marker later). Finally, the
bonfire concluded w/ the addition of some old tires (them thar thangs burn reel good ah reckon) and some folk art of a guy named Rick and his boot, and speaking of boot CW and someone else both puked twice. Some suggestions for next time are Jell- O Rasslin and a addition to Captain Hooks prosthesis so he wont have to search for his keys in the side yard again. 

Hash #3 (Main Event), !Cinco de Mayo!:

There was no Tequila but 12yr. old Gibsons whisky was close enough for me! The hares said there would be "no shiggy of any kind" and "good run LOTS shiggy no farmers permission". There was one regroup check and one non-existent beer check. Trail went along the edges of fields to avoid pissing any more farmers off, but aboot halfway through there was a big guy riding a little tractor who was somewhere between quite irate and downright furious (you coulda fried an egg on his bald head). Apparently the paths through the woods were very delicate and important to him. what a jerk!

Circle was conducted by Abbot. Double Fisted presented Baskets stolen horn to our former and present GMs Wintoes and An@l. They did a down-down w/ hands clasped between their legs. Hares drank for being themselves and Oaf drank for his birthday. Wintoes drank for being best dressed and CW drank for body checking Flipper the night before. Someone was presented w/ a lovely pewter tankard for attending their 50th hash (Boston used to give these out for 69th run. where the F is my mug Rectal??!). "Rule Britannia" was sung for Crystal Tits and every time someone miscounted the firecrackers they had to get in the circle (I had to do this too). Peniscillin was given a down down for "cropping" which is Canuck for "shortcutting". CT was brought back into the circle for doing everything wrong and "Wings of a Sparrow (sic)" was sung a second time (the correct bird is Eagle). Bo Peep was given the photographic evidence that neither Mutton Drapes or the Big Black Cock had ever left Boston, and AA! threw Peniscillins peed-on clothes back to him.
Captain Hook drank for talking business in the circle, we gave Cock Climber "Alouette", and Peniscillin was the last one in to drink while wearing the Right Tit costume, which we stole. 

We all said Thanks, Good Bye, and Take it Easy in the standard hash manner off dropping our drawers and baring our asses, and we drove back to NH via Moontreal where FA was waiting for us. Je me souviens a bon temps in your lovely country! 

                                    
SEND MORE BEER!! 

You guys got much better suds than we do!

-Onedrunk