Drinking Problem Solver:

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually
pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of
your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as
many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the
owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not,
complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip
across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash
yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION REQUIRED: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your
bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat
yourself to a lie-in.

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	SIGNS YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM
	(applies to non-hashers only)

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.... Coincidence?

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

Mosquitos catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meeting, you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more
attractive.

Hi ocifer.  I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.